I Know What Kane Did
by Jazzmaster
Summary: Ten years ago Kane, Stacy Kiebler, Dwayne Johnstone, William Regal and Patricia Stratus were out for a drive. The result was the death of Katie Vick. A humorous, non-offensive story. COMPLETE!


Kane stood in the centre of the ring, telling everyone he was happy for the first time in his life. Well it had after all, been a traumatic life. Having to go out with Torrie (the other one, not Wilson), having only X-Pac for a friend, Paul Bearer as a father (who had mysteriously vanished) and a brother who was The Lord of Darkness but was going through a mid-life crisis and now believed he was a biker. Oh and his face had been burned off. Let's not forget that. His new, $1.99 mask covered the burns though. The mental scars however, would take a much more expensive mask to cover.  
  
Now though, maybe he could get that mask. If he could beat HHH and become world champion he could afford many masks.  
  
"I would like to call someone out here tonight. Terri, please come out here," said Kane.  
  
Terri walked out to the ring and Kane waited patiently. When she got in Kane got down on one knee.  
  
"Terri... will you marry me?"  
  
"The Game" by Motorhead came on and HHH walked out.  
  
"Terri... get away from that man."  
  
Terri and Kane stood in the ring, wondering what HHH was going to do. Probably talk for about twenty minutes.  
  
"I'm glad your so happy Kane, but tell me HOW HAPPY IS FAT ANGUS!?" said HHH.  
  
"Who?" replied Kane.  
  
"No, wait I meant HOW HAPPY IS KATIE VICK!!!!?"  
  
Kane stood there for a moment. the crowd was silent.  
  
"Who the hell is Katie Vick?" someone shouted from the front row.  
  
"She's dead isn't she Kane? You killed her. You are a murderer!" said HHH.  
  
"Well duh, if he killed her of course that would make him a murderer!" the guy in the front row shouted.  
  
Kane stood still. So... HHH knew what he had done.  
  
******************************** 10 years ago ***************************************  
  
Kane was driving his car. Next to him was long-legged Stacy Kiebler, his date for the evening. It was the hair. Chicks love the hair, he told himself. In the back was Dwayne Johnstone, with his date Patricia Stratus. Next to them was the dateless William Regal. He was trying hard to look away from Dwayne and Stratus. They clearly had no shame.  
  
"We'll be there in about half an hour," said Kane.  
  
"Ouch!" said William Regal. "Watch it!"  
  
"Sorry Willy," said Patricia. Her foot had just swung up and hit him in the face.  
  
Stacy was rubbing Kane's leg as he drove.  
  
"Kane, honey, take your eyes off the road," she said.  
  
"Why?" asked Kane.  
  
"Because it'd be so bad and irresponsible," she replied.  
  
"Now wait just a min-" began Regal but it was too late. Kane had taken his eyes off the road and onto Stacy. There was a thud and Kane looked round and hit the brakes.  
  
"What was that?" Kane asked.  
  
"Dwayne didn't hear anything, " said Dwayne pulling his mouth off of Patricia for a moment. "Dwayne says shut your mouth and keep going. That goes for you too Patricia."  
  
"I really must object to this behaviour while I'm sitting right here Mr Johnstone," said Regal.  
  
"Shut your mouth before Dwayne lays the smackdown on your candy ass," snapped Dwayne.  
  
"I think we hit something. We should go check," said Kane.  
  
"No wait just a minute Mr Kane, WE did not hit anything. YOU were the one who was driving. I tried to warn you, but NO..."  
  
"SHUT UP REGAL!" shouted everyone.  
  
"I'll check by myself, " grumbled Kane.  
  
"What exactly does 'Smackdown' mean Mr Johnstone?" Regal asked as Kane got out.  
  
  
  
  
  
Kane headed back to see if there was anything there. He hoped he hadn't hit a cat. He liked cats. He saw something.  
  
"Oh gosh," said Kane. "I've killed someone! HEY GUYS I'VE KILLED SOMEONE!"  
  
Everyone got out of the car. A young woman was lying on the road. Given the fact that she wasn't moving or breathing and her face was smashed in it seemed safe to assume she was dead.  
  
"Shhhh, you want someone to hear you? We'll just dump the body in the sea and no-one will know," said Stacy. Everyone turned to look at her. "What? That's the most obvious thing to do in situations like this. My ex- boyfriend told me so. He says he's going to be a top writer for some wrestling company one day. He says his ideas are the best. He told me he wanted to write something like this."  
  
"Killing someone? That'd be one crap wrestling angle," said Kane. Stacy shrugged.  
  
"He never said he'd be a good writer. Just a top one," she said.  
  
"Excuse me, may I remind everyone that a young lady is dead?" said Regal.  
  
"Maybe she's not dead," said Dwayne. He began kicking her corpse. "Okay, I think she IS dead."  
  
Kane knelt down and felt for a pulse. He shook his head sadly. He checked her bag and found her driver's license. Her name was Katie Vick. And Kane had killed her.  
  
"What are we all standing here for? We have to call the police. I'll just go over to that payphone next to that woman over there and call them," said Regal.  
  
Kane looked over and saw a woman at the side of the road. She must have seen everything. She walked over to them now and took the driver's license from Kane.  
  
"Oh, thank goodness," said the woman. "My name is Katie Vick. That woman you killed stole my bag. I guess you've done my a favour by running her over. I won't turn you in."  
  
"She knows too much!" hissed Dwayne.  
  
"Kill her!" yelled Stacy. Patricia stood still with a blank look on her face, not really able to comprehend what was going on.  
  
"100% Stratusfaction guaranteed?" she offered.  
  
"I've told you before, Miss Stratus, Stratusfaction IS not a real word," said Regal.  
  
Kane reached out with his hands. He had no control over his actions anymore. He couldn't get caught here. There was so much he still wanted to do. He grabbed her by the throat, and strangled her to death.  
  
"Oh wait," said Dwayne. "The woman you ran over is just Mae Young. No great loss."  
  
Kane dropped Katie's lifeless body to the ground. He had killed her for nothing. Suddenly it started raining, and lightening could be seen coming down from the sky. Kane got down on his knees and looked to the sky.  
  
"NOTHING!!!!" screamed Kane.  
  
"Look if we don't do something soon we'll be caught," said Stacy. "All we have to do is throw the corpses into the sea. No-one knows we're here. No- one knows what w- I mean KANE has done. Don't we all want better for our lives than to be thought of as murderers? I want to be a diva, and appear in two minute novelty matches on wrestling shows, and get pregnant in an angle only for it to mysteriously never be mentioned again."  
  
"I want to be taken seriously as an athlete!" said Patricia.  
  
"And Dwayne wants to go to Hollywood!" said Dwayne.  
  
"But murder is... undignified," said Regal. "I'm going to report this incident to the police at once. What are you all looking at me like that for? Why are you all walking toward me like that? Uh, wait changed my mind. I want to NOT talk about this ever again especially not to the police."  
  
They nodded at each other, satisfied that they would not get caught. Kane dropped the bodies off a cliff and down to the sea below. It would never be mentioned again...  
  
  
  
  
  
********************************** The present ************************************  
  
until now. Kane stood in disbelief. How had HHH found out? Had someone told him? He remembered Katie's face as he had throttled her.  
  
"Well that's all I have to say," said HHH and walked off. Kane stood in the ring as RAW went off the air.  
  
  
  
Later Taker came round to Kane's house on his bike.  
  
"You are scum Kane, total scum. You killed someone!" said Taker.  
  
"You burned our house down, killing mum and leaving me scarred for life," retorted Kane.  
  
"I don't remember doing that," said Taker.  
  
"You formed the Ministry and tried to marry Stephanie McMahon!"  
  
"That couldn't have been me."  
  
"You hail from 'Parts Unknown' and you died at least once in a casket match."  
  
"My name is Mark! I was born in Texas! I just ride my motorbike! I spent my life sleeping with women, not taking part in casket matches. We just look alike!"  
  
Kane shook his head. "Whatever. So maybe I am a murderer. But this Sunday you will see me murder HHH and keep him from mentioning it ever again."  
  
"Did you just hear that ladies and gentleman?" came JR's voice from out of no-where. "Kane will face HHH this Sunday and GM Eric Bischoff has announced that it will take place inside a hell in the cell! You can see MURDER IN HELL IN THE CELL THIS SUNDAY ONLY ON PPV!"  
  
"How did those cameras get in here?" asked Kane.  
  
  
  
  
  
**********************************No Mercy*****************************  
  
The Hell in the Cell was lowered. Someone had noticed that there would now be two hell in the cell matches in one night, so the Lesnar/Taker match was changed to a normal singles match. It was that or make the HHH/Kane match a 'first person to use five moves loses' match, which had limited appeal.  
  
The cell was lowered and the two competitors began fighting. It was a dull, slow spectacle involving HHH posing every few seconds. However after awhile the lights went out.  
  
"King, it can't be... is it? Could that be Katie Vick?" exclaimed JR. He was a bit upset that Michael Cole and Tazz got to commentate on the REAL main events now, but he still managed to work himself up to explosive proportions.  
  
Kane looked round. It was indeed Katie Vick. But how? Katie got to the cell. Somehow she ripped the door off! Kane stood still. Katie walked up to him, looked up at him and said:  
  
"I know what you did last summer!"  
  
Then she tomb-stoned him. The fans kind of remembered something similar happening in a match once, and they kind of remembered that line, but JR began yelling "I've never seen anything like this in my life!" thus brainwashing them into thinking that they hadn't seen anything like it before either. Then HHH covered Kane, and the fans were treated to a fate worse than death.  
  
HHH was still champion. 


End file.
